When self-improvement becomes toxic

or what swimming in the ocean taught me about enoughness

“I feel tired and overwhelmed. 

I love learning and personal development, going on this path brought me so much healing but what if it makes you feel stressed? 

Will there ever be a state when it’s enough? 

A pause from the urge to constantly improve something?…”

When I reread this journal entry I can feel the self-induced stress and pressure I put on myself so often. I wonder what the hidden theme is in my subconscious that pushes me so hard, this feeling of not being enough.

Is it the missing acknowledgment of what I have already done,achieved, the healing processes, the twist and turns, failures, difficult times and still getting up, learning, improving and keeping things going?

Everything feels so fast-paced , I want to stop, just be and celebrate where I am, just right here and now.

 

I want to feel enough, enough in what I have achieved so far, even if it isn’t „successful“ in terms that western society tells us it should be.

Why can’t I feel more ease and lightness, a contentment?

Why is there something inside my mind that’s beating the drum and pushing me further and further?

When I’m in such a state of mind I know that self-improvement and self-development have become toxic, toxic for my mental and physical health.

My body shows all the symptoms of stress and anxiety.

Life feels heavy, all the joy seems to slowly flow out.

In those moments I remind myself of how swimming gets me back into flow and joy, a lightness of being carried by the waves.

When I’m in the water all burdens seem to be lifted from me.

Why is that?

Whenever I swim there’s this protective wall of water around me. 

I can only hear the murmuring of the water, no outside noise gets to me, no chatter of the mind.

Swimming in the ocean has taught me to be present with and in the water.

You have to adjust to the waves, focus on how they roll against you.

You have to be aware of the tides and currents, the marine environment.

You swim with your whole presence, with your skills and talents, with your failures, losses and wins, with all that you are in this moment.

The ocean lets you in no matter of status, success or where you’re coming from. 

The ocean doesn’t judge. 

The ocean embraces it all.

You and the ocean are one.

You are part of the uniqueness.

With every stroke in the waves I get into the flow, all my worries become smaller and smaller. 

I go at my own pace. I shift and change with the rhythm of the ocean.

And this is enough, this is all my heart is looking for.

Being part of a precious moment that feels joyful, playful and serene.

Becoming part of the ocean is being guided by a higher power, a power that moves your heart and soul.

Feeling gratitude for being alive, for feeling the pulse of the waves in alignment with all that is.

There’s no desire, no expectations, no striving and improvement.

There’s only oneness and that is enough.